Are you struggling in your relationship with Jesus? You’re NOT alone.
If you’re subscribed to my newsletter, you’ll have read how I’d been struggling in my relationship with Jesus for the past couple of weeks, flowing into months. It took me a while to even understand that I was struggling because I just assumed that’s how it was meant to be. For a long time, I kept thinking I had to do more, or maybe because I wasn’t doing enough. Even when I shared with someone that I thought would understand better, it made me feel like I just wasn’t doing enough and God needed me to do more.
Worse still, I felt I wasn’t good enough for God and perhaps if he cured me of a certain ‘darkness’ inside me, then maybe everything would begin to work out fine for me. I was so convinced God wanted me to come to a certain ‘spiritual peak’ before he would move things on my behalf (spiritual, mental, and physical). I seemed to be ticking all the boxes, yet I felt empty and frustrated. I no longer enjoyed reading my bible because I felt reading it in KJV was the only way I could receive the revelation God had to dispense.
There was a time it worked, but after a while, I sank into spiritual despair. It now became more about performance than reality, more about revelation than intimacy. The Bible felt like a book of codes when it used to be God’s love letter to my soul in the past.
Soothing, correcting, reassuring.
Who was I becoming? Christ or Something else?
Even when I tried to convince myself that I was growing spiritually, there was a war waging inside me. Chaos, confusion, intimidation, fear, doubt, and despair. Prayer felt like a chore. Bible study felt the same. God was beginning to feel abstract and esoteric, like someone I’d never encountered. The sweet fellowship I used to have with the Holy Spirit subsided. I started struggling to keep up. I felt like I was drowning and no one could save me. I didn’t trust God anymore because I somehow felt he was against me since the only thing he cared about was me becoming perfect.
Christianity suddenly became like this weight I had to carry along me in life, instead of Christianity pulling me through life.
I became like the man who believed he had to be perfect before going to God because I wasn’t worthy. Or like that spiritual novice that felt my soul had to be right for God to heal me or even look upon me WHEREAS Jesus had already made that possible through the cross.
Going back to the bible, I started to realize that Jesus healed unbelievers and believers alike. God’s distribution of healings, signs, and wonders had nothing to do with people’s spiritual growth.
I was in a Religious RUT
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s just say I might have entered into a religious rut without knowing. I became like the Older Son who criticized the way His father celebrated the prodigal son (his younger brother).
So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’
If only the older son would have JUST asked for the goat all these years and stopped forming or pretending to ‘get it together’. I don’t know if he felt he had something to prove or if he felt asking was not spiritual enough. But whatever the case, he missed out on God’s blessings due to assumption and pride. Yet the father had to console him, reminding him that everything he had was his.
I was slowly becoming scared of what my heart was becoming. Like a Pharisee…questioning the manifestation of miracles in the lives of God’s children and believing some things have to be a certain way to evoke God’s pleasure.
But God was pulling me away again. It was time to go back to my first love.
I don’t know who you are, or where you are (spiritually) reading this, but my exhaustion and curiosity brought me back to the feet of the master. Let’s just say mercy found me. I want to go back to that girl who’s always asking the Holy Spirit all the questions in the world, instead of assuming or making the scripture fit my narrative. I want to go back to that girl who encountered Jesus in her bedroom one early morning weeping and laughing because God was showing me who he was, in my little corner of the world. I want to be that girl with a spring in her steps (instead of my head staying bowed) remembering how much I am loved by the King of the universe.
Perhaps you struggled as I did, and you’d like to find your way back to the joy of your salvation. I hope the following helps and restores you to your first love.
Stop assuming things for God. Let God do the talking
I realized one of my major problems was my assumption of God’s decision based on what I’d heard over time. This usually happened if I had prayed to a certain point and if it wasn’t answered, I would just assume God didn’t want to give me because I was convinced (not convicted) there was some righteous work God was trying to wrought in me. Now I’m not eliminating the fact that there are a few occasions God didn’t answer some prayers because he was trying to save me, but the moment I stayed still, started reassessing my faith and stopped assuming for God, I realized I was the one not mixing my prayer with faith, and I had not prayed to a point I heard God speak. I just assumed if he didn’t speak after I had prayed to an extent, it meant he didn’t want it for me.
But according to the amplified translation, the bible says, Keep asking, (not just ask once and let go. Keep at it)-Matthew 7:7. You’ve got to keep asking until God speaks or you get clarity regarding the situation. Just like the unrighteous judge and the woman. The judge had to oblige her because she kept asking, going to show how far she wanted him to intervene in her situation.
Have you noticed that those who desired miracles from Jesus were desperate? Imagine if Blind Barthimeus kept silent assuming Jesus would heal him since he was healing people around… or perhaps the Canaanite woman who refused to back down when Jesus tried to ignore her. And many other instances of desperate issues requiring desperate measures.
Even in the Old Testament, Isaac had to beseech the Lord for his wife’s barrenness. He didn’t assume what happened to his mother Sara would be the same for Rebecca or maybe God was trying to take him through some dealings/process.
He allowed God to do the talking. And so should we!
When God does the talking, it exalts God’s voice above any of our assumptions and assures our hearts that God is always for us, not against us. If it’s from him, he gives us the grace to go through it, and in the process, he still provides clarity on the situation. And if any problem is not from him, we can take our authority in the spirit to rebuke frustrations sent by the enemy to cloud our judgment of God.
Don’t be afraid to explore other versions of the Bible
I started reading other versions of scripture, which set me free from the religious rut I found myself in. Check out commentaries and take down notes from your bible study. Engage the word yourself. Allow the Holy Spirit to move freely in your soul as you explore his word. You are a child of God! God has given you access, even in this new dispensation of grace, under the new covenant you’ve been birthed into.
Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth - 2 Timothy 2:15
How can you understand the word if you don’t study it for yourself? The Bible confirms that in the last days, many deceivers will be out there. Even as humans, we all know how fallible men are, ourselves included. Only Jesus was/is infallible. Anyone can make the bible fit their narrative.
It’s the reason why we have the Scripture and the Holy Spirit.
There are about 7 billion people on this earth and Jesus wants them all saved. You don’t think God would have made provisions for their salvation and growth too? How will their eternal salvation be assured if they only had to depend on the KJV translation of scripture (which is just based on the language used in that era)? If we were to start going into accurate translations, we would be going into Hebrew and Greek, the language that was prominent at the time Jesus was on Earth.
Listen. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. As long as people are reading God’s word (regardless of the translation) and the Holy Spirit is bringing it to life in them, working in their hearts to respond to their Savior, that’s all that matters.
Not technicality, not our own religious assumptions of how things should be done, but how the life of Jesus is translated through scripture in the life of every believer out there. Because knowledge puffs up but love edifies. People don’t care how much we know but want to know how much we care.
And that was exactly what God did through Jesus.
The Bible doesn’t need our addition or subtraction. It’s so sufficient it explains itself. There’s no new knowledge out there. All that God has done and will do is written in His word.
Learn to believe God over man
Jesus died for you. He saved you. He did what no man would ever do for you. So you should believe His word and His love above what anyone else says or thinks. Even when the Corinthian church were trying to identify with the ‘better’ teacher-Paul & Apollos, Paul had to redirect their hearts back to Jesus-the one who died for them.
What I mean is this: Individuals among you are saying, “I follow Paul,” “I follow Apollos,” “I follow Cephas,” or “I follow Christ.” Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? I thank God that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius
1 Corinthians 1:13
And guess what he said to crown it all
Therefore, STOP boasting in men. All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future. All of them belong to you, and you belong to Christ, and Christ belongs to God.-1 Corinthians 3:22
This is not to eliminate the importance of pastors, prophets, apostles, evangelists and many other helps sent to the body of Christ. But we must be cautious NOT to put them in the place of Jesus. We must also be careful to remember that the word is our guide and every word or prophecy spoken MUST be confirmed through the word of God. Just like the Berean Christians.
These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness, and searched the Scriptures daily to FIND OUT whether these things were so.
Acts 17:11
I remember reading one of Kenneth Hagin’s books where Jesus appeared to him and shared certain things with him. Kenneth Hagin asked Jesus to show him where it was written in the word (i.e. to confirm it). And guess what Jesus did? Was He mad? Was He upset that someone had questioned his authority?? Of course not! He smiled and showed him where it was written. In fact, Jesus is expecting you to confirm everything anybody says through His word. If you don’t, it means you’ll likely be deceived and fall into error. Because as humans we are not infallible. I’m very capable of making mistakes. Any human being on this earth is capable of making mistakes. Only Jesus did NOT make mistakes and if you keep believing a man over God’s voice, you’ll have yourself to blame at the end.
Besides, anyone could have appeared and pretended to be Jesus to Kenneth Hagin (2 Corinthians 11:14) but he had to be sure it was Jesus. I (a reader) need to be sure it was truly Jesus he saw too.
Return to your First Love
Remember the first time you gave your life to Jesus and how you couldn’t contain your joy and your new freedom in Christ? Remember when you couldn’t get enough of him through his word and prayer? Remember those nights you danced your heart out with the Holy Spirit? Can you reimagine how just being in His presence made everything alright? You were glad when you discovered that your eternity was certain in Jesus Christ. I remember when just knowing Jesus was with me made everything alright with my world.
You can have that again.
How and Why?
Because you are his child and He is your father. No one would pay the kind of price he paid for you, even the best of us wouldn’t. Yet Jesus paid the price just to be close to you and spend eternity with you. He did it risking it all.
If this doesn’t speak of love, I don’t know what does.
And not only did he die for you, he also sealed you with his spirit of promise, to remind you that He’s returning to marry you, and also to comfort you, letting you know He’ll always be for you, regardless of the circumstance. Anytime I remember this, I’m in awe. This desire brings me back to my knees, reminding me he’s for me and not against me. This makes our relationship beautiful and I’m excited to go on this adventure with him. The road hasn’t been smooth. It’s been a lot of ups and downs, doubts, fear, anxiety, and many other things that threatened to knock me down. But through Jesus, it’s safe to say that I am like that wise man who built his house on the rock. Because the storm did rage, the winds blew and the rains fell, yet God has kept me through it all. Not me, nor my ability to make wise decisions (I can tell you that haha), but just because God loves me and is committed to saving me.
Jesus promised REST not religion
And my rest started the day I gave my life to Jesus. No longer do I have to work to be saved (this was what the Jews believed and some people preached to believers) but good works (obedience)are being birthed in me because I HAVE been SAVED by grace through faith. I can do all things because Christ is in me, the hope of glory.
I cannot complete my salvation because I didn’t start it. I will not start with the spirit and for one second think it’s something I do or didn’t do that will complete my salvation.
No wonder Paul rebuked the Galatians because they were going down a similar route. -Galatians 3: 1-14
Religion makes you believe you have to be in a certain place or do certain things to be ‘saved’. It makes you believe the keys to your complete salvation are in the hands of a man, or a certain group of people, just like the Pharisees believed Jesus had to come to them to be qualified, but God would never monopolize salvation.
The only requirement for salvation is to believe in Him…and to keep believing in Him. He confirms this through his word.
Isn’t that amazing?
Jesus is calling you to REST. He’s shown me how, and he’s showing you too!
Walking in love is no longer a chore once I tune into the Holy Spirit. Holiness is not burdensome because my spirit is one with the one who birthed me. Pleasing God isn’t hard because he already lives inside me. Sin isn’t greater than Jesus. Jesus is far greater than my sin and temptations. I just need to tune in more to love. I hope you remember this and I hope this remembrance pushes you back into the Father’s arms.
For he’s never going to let you go.
Let’s Pray together
Perhaps you were like me, and you’ve been stuck in a religious rut or struggling in your spiritual life, you can say this quick prayer with me. Dear Jesus, I’m so grateful you died for me and paid the price for me. I’m thankful that I can come before the throne of grace boldly because I’ve found mercy in your eyes. I relent of my old ways and I take on the new way you’ve designed for me. The one that promises to believe you and keep believing you, instead of trying to do it myself. May I never lose my wonder because I never ever want to lose my wonder of you. Restore me back to my first love, the one that is always excited to go on an adventure with you and to pursue you all the days of my life. Always. Amen.
Song of the Day: No Longer Slaves by Bethel Music